the joys and sorrow of moving (in the future)

Two years ago I was alone. Most of my friends had moved away, and I was never really good at making friends myself. I usually got along with people, but never really made friends easily. I was liked in school and work, but outside of whatever activity I knew people from, that was the only time I would see these people. I didn't start dating until I was 25 and when that relationship ended I was lost. Looking back I can see that the relationship was not good for me, but at the time I was majorly depressed. One day I made myself leave the house. I went to the mall and just walked around. I didn't talk to anyone, but being out of the house was a good feeling. One day, someone tried to sell me something, some woman was selling manacure stuff. I knew that she was just trying to sell things, I had no thoughts that she actually liked me, but it was fun to be out and flirting. I started going to a bar where I knew some people and just started getting out there. One night the local derby league was at the bar. I had joined when I was dating my ex, but we stopped going because basically, she was to lazy to commit to anything like that. So I thought it would be a good idea to so something, and here was something for me. So I got involved, and was attending all of their events, and I was enjoying the social atmosphere. During my time with them, I made a few amazing friends. I have been planning on going to grad school for a while now, and I knew I would be moving. Now, here I am, making friends and I am leaving in a few months. A few weeks ago, I ran into a friend from high-school. We were friends on Facebook, but really hadn't hung out. She was with a friend and we had a great time. The other night I hung out with them and got a hold of another friend of mine (the two that I went to high-school with didn't really know each other), and it seems like I'm still making friends. There was even talk about dating one of my new friends if I wasn't moving. And this is an example of the mix of emotions I'm feeling. I'm still making friends and having fun, but I will be leaving all of these relationships soon. I will keep in contact with a few of course, but I won't be able to hang out. My door will be open to anyone that ends up in my new neighbourhood, but it's a 6 hour trip, so it isn't something you can stop by for tea. I'm loving the time to catch up with old friends, and make new friends. I'm torn, I want to move and start my new life, make new friends, create new habits, and find new hang-outs. On the other hand, I will greatly miss the people and places that have made me who I am. I am a lot more confident than I was a year ago, two years ago. People I knew from the past may or not notice the difference, I'm not sure if it is noticeable, but to me, I am a whole new person. Maybe not a new person, I still have the same core, and my closest friends from the past may have seen it in me, I don't know. The big difference is that I'm muchier than I was before (to steal a phrase from Alice in Wonderland because I can't think of a better way to describe it right now). I have more confidence in myself, and people I meet seem to react differently to me now. The better reactions have slowly raised my self-confidopence, and that has improved my relationships, which has made me feel more comfortable in my own skin. I still have moments when I feel invisible again, but I now have more ways of dealing with it, more experiences that prove it more false than true, and I'm sure I will survive when I move. A few years ago, when I thought about moving to a place I wouldn't know anyone, I had a panic attack, I didn't think I would ever be able to do it. Now, I know I can, but I wish I could take some of my wonderful friends with me. From a cost analysis perspective, these friendships could be seen as "experience" or "practice" and an emotionally detached view I can see the value in this. But I wish this was the place for me, the place I would be staying for the foreseeable future. I'm sure I will meet amazing people when I move, but I will deeply miss my friends. I will visit as often as I can, but if I am honest with myself, I would have to think that those will become less and less frequent. I'm sure some friendships will fade with distance, and some will survive, but everyone that I have interested with, no how short a time it may have been, has shaped who I am, and pushed me closer to who I want to be. I have been very lucky to avoid toxic relationships for the most part and know I am a better person now than I ever have been. The move will be bitter sweet, but I finally feel I'm ready.

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Celebrating the death of a man?

Sunday night, as I was getting ready to go to sleep, I heard the news that Osama bin Laden had been killed. A part of me was happy to hear that. As I read my twitter feed, I laughed at many of the jokes that if they were about someone else I would have been disgusted. I saw quotes (some of them falsely attributed) saying some people wouldn't wish someone dead, but enjoyed reading the obituary, and others saying that they would not celebrate the death of any person no matter how evil they were. I have seen things that were over the top, but for many I can not fault them for their initial reaction of elation. To many, it was like a burden was lifted off of their shoulders. As I hoped, the elation died down within 24 hours. Now the people that are still going crazy, still celebrating the death of bin Laden are going a bit over board. But, is anyone really celebrating the death of a man? After September 11th, Osama bin Laden became the face of terror. He was what we associated with the killing of civilians to prove a point. While our country is not innocent, I can understand how people may react in ways that they may find repulsive if in any other situation. When I was a kid, and I was in a lot of trouble, I would laugh. I didn't think it was funny, I was terrified. I also knew that if I wasn't able to control it, the situation would become a lot worse. I couldn't control myself though. We react in weird ways when we are stressed. Memories of where we were and how we felt that day almost 10 years ago returned. Thoughts of those who's lives were lost in the fight (weather we agreed with the cause or not), the loss of many of our freedoms (which is an issue that should be remedied weather bin Laden was alive or dead), how our whole world changed (and not always for the better). All of these emotions were associated with this person. He became more than a man, he became a symbol. As soon as we're reminded of everything, we are told that this man, who was responsible for much more death than just the September 11th attacks, was gone. I can understand how people reacted in ways that were so extreme. I respect those that were able to take a step back right away and realize that he was only a man, and that his death will not change much of anything. People that were also able to understand how they felt when they saw celebrations of people after the September 11th attacks (although, I don't think these should be compared. They were celebrating an attack of civilians, the bin Laden celebration was a murderer), and didn't want the world to see us in the same light. Now that I think of it, it is a lot like a murder trial. Sunday was like the guilty verdict after a very long trial. Do we question when we see a family that lost a loved one cries and hugs each other in celebration when they believe justice has been served? In general, I do not believe in the death penalty. I would always worry about putting an innocent person to death. There is also an opportunity for those who are guilty to reform. I'm an optimist for the most part. I give people I meet the benefit of the doubt (even though it has burned me at times). But, I also know that there are things people will not give up, things that will never change about a person. I believe that most people are good, well meaning people, but I also know that there are people that are evil. He has admired, and even taken pride in killing innocent people. Hopefully terrorism is becoming a thing of the past. This won't change because of bin Laden's death, but because people all over the world are starting to stand up for what they believe in. (I wish we did more of that here, but that's for another rant). I guess what I'm saying is a part of me feels bad for enjoying the death of a man, but I also understand why I feel this way. I am sorry for feeling happy about death, but I probably won't loose sleep :S

Loyalty

It seems to me that loyalty means very little, especially in the corporate world. You continue with one company, even at times when the alternative may be cheaper, because you think you know what to expect. You have had good service, and have felt that the little extra every month was worth it because they were such a good place to do business with. That is until something goes wrong for you. You have a little bad luck and they are no longer willing to work with you.

The first experience I had with this was years ago with Capital One. They stopped sending me bills, and then took me to court because I wasn't paying them. I called them to try and work with them, and they said (in a very polite way of course) "Go fuck yourself, we won't work with you". I could have paid them off a few times now, and I'm screwing my credit, but they will not get one penny willingly.

Then Qdoba fires me after over five and a half years on a technicality. My phone was shut off (because they didn't pay enough for me to pay my bills, but that's a whole other story) so I was unable to call in when I was sick. I jumped on the neighbor's wi-fi and messaged the assistant manager online. After I saw she responded I passed out, barely able to make it to my computer to message her in the first place. I got a no-call no-show because I didn't call the manager on shift. Wow, really? I missed 1 day before that in my five and a half years of working for them. I was making very little (less even than some of the people I was supposed to be managing). I even worked 7 days a week this last summer, just to try and help them out. None of this mattered. The new general manager didn't like me. He was incompetent, kept cross contaminating the food, had horrible people skills, and was lazy. He got the lowest two corporate evaluations in the store's history and never had a word said to him. He has his position covered because he has been friends with the regional manager for over 20 years. They blamed it on the assistant manager (who was the GM until they pushed her out of that job too). They will keep shielding him I'm sure. I got wrote up because a few tables weren't wiped down when the regional manager came in, and I got sick and I get fired. He gets constant customer complaints, horrible store evaluations, and treats the employees like shit and he's got job security.

Now Verizon. I've been with them for about four and a half years. I recently lost my job at Qdoba, and I'm in the process of finding a new one. In order to find a new job I need a phone. Guess what Verizon just did...I owe them some money, but I fully intend to pay it. I called them up to see if there would be any way to get a little more time with my phone so I could get calls from prospective employers. They basically said (in a very polite way), "sucks to be you. The only thing we'll do is take a post dated check for seven days from now". Really?!? If I just said I had no job, how the fuck do you expect me to post date a check for seven days from now?

Hell, even Comcast, when I called them to say we could no longer afford to pay so much for TV and I was canceling, they said "You can't dump us, we're dumping you" (in a not so polite or mature way). I've been dumped by some pretty immature women, but that was pathetic.

Even in roller derby. A few weeks ago, I was accused of being a "home town ref" (in a very immature and almost aggressive way) by a team I had an enormous amount of respect for, and had helped so many times over this last summer!

The one thing I am, is loyal. At times even to a fault. I have stood by people I thought cared, and been burned for it. I have missed opportunities because I was unwilling to turn my back on someone, even if I had no way of knowing if they would do the same (a few times, they were constantly turning their backs on me). I know other people play by different rules, and even with as many times as I've been burned I will continue to be loyal. But, I never forget, and rarely forgive. Once the bridge is burned, it can not be built. And I am not quiet, I will let everyone know when and why that trust was broken. Corporations, believe that it will not hurt them to be an ass to the little guy, but I feel it's my duty to warn others of their bad practices.

My friends and family know how and why I got fired, as do some of my regulars that added me as a friend on facebook because they thought I was nice and good at my job. Qdoba has and will continue to loose business because of how they treated me. I know a lot of people that will not go somewhere if they know that their employees are not treated with respect. Verizon will also loose customers because of how they treated me. It looks like the only way to get loyalty is to teach companies that they can't get away with being a duche.