the joys and sorrow of moving (in the future)

Two years ago I was alone. Most of my friends had moved away, and I was never really good at making friends myself. I usually got along with people, but never really made friends easily. I was liked in school and work, but outside of whatever activity I knew people from, that was the only time I would see these people. I didn't start dating until I was 25 and when that relationship ended I was lost. Looking back I can see that the relationship was not good for me, but at the time I was majorly depressed. One day I made myself leave the house. I went to the mall and just walked around. I didn't talk to anyone, but being out of the house was a good feeling. One day, someone tried to sell me something, some woman was selling manacure stuff. I knew that she was just trying to sell things, I had no thoughts that she actually liked me, but it was fun to be out and flirting. I started going to a bar where I knew some people and just started getting out there. One night the local derby league was at the bar. I had joined when I was dating my ex, but we stopped going because basically, she was to lazy to commit to anything like that. So I thought it would be a good idea to so something, and here was something for me. So I got involved, and was attending all of their events, and I was enjoying the social atmosphere. During my time with them, I made a few amazing friends. I have been planning on going to grad school for a while now, and I knew I would be moving. Now, here I am, making friends and I am leaving in a few months. A few weeks ago, I ran into a friend from high-school. We were friends on Facebook, but really hadn't hung out. She was with a friend and we had a great time. The other night I hung out with them and got a hold of another friend of mine (the two that I went to high-school with didn't really know each other), and it seems like I'm still making friends. There was even talk about dating one of my new friends if I wasn't moving. And this is an example of the mix of emotions I'm feeling. I'm still making friends and having fun, but I will be leaving all of these relationships soon. I will keep in contact with a few of course, but I won't be able to hang out. My door will be open to anyone that ends up in my new neighbourhood, but it's a 6 hour trip, so it isn't something you can stop by for tea. I'm loving the time to catch up with old friends, and make new friends. I'm torn, I want to move and start my new life, make new friends, create new habits, and find new hang-outs. On the other hand, I will greatly miss the people and places that have made me who I am. I am a lot more confident than I was a year ago, two years ago. People I knew from the past may or not notice the difference, I'm not sure if it is noticeable, but to me, I am a whole new person. Maybe not a new person, I still have the same core, and my closest friends from the past may have seen it in me, I don't know. The big difference is that I'm muchier than I was before (to steal a phrase from Alice in Wonderland because I can't think of a better way to describe it right now). I have more confidence in myself, and people I meet seem to react differently to me now. The better reactions have slowly raised my self-confidopence, and that has improved my relationships, which has made me feel more comfortable in my own skin. I still have moments when I feel invisible again, but I now have more ways of dealing with it, more experiences that prove it more false than true, and I'm sure I will survive when I move. A few years ago, when I thought about moving to a place I wouldn't know anyone, I had a panic attack, I didn't think I would ever be able to do it. Now, I know I can, but I wish I could take some of my wonderful friends with me. From a cost analysis perspective, these friendships could be seen as "experience" or "practice" and an emotionally detached view I can see the value in this. But I wish this was the place for me, the place I would be staying for the foreseeable future. I'm sure I will meet amazing people when I move, but I will deeply miss my friends. I will visit as often as I can, but if I am honest with myself, I would have to think that those will become less and less frequent. I'm sure some friendships will fade with distance, and some will survive, but everyone that I have interested with, no how short a time it may have been, has shaped who I am, and pushed me closer to who I want to be. I have been very lucky to avoid toxic relationships for the most part and know I am a better person now than I ever have been. The move will be bitter sweet, but I finally feel I'm ready.

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