The Influence on the Future

It is sad to reflect on the people who I have decided to remove from my live. People who have been an important part of my life, will not influence the lives of the kids. About a year ago, my girlfriend and I decided to no longer associate with people who make decisions we hope the kids will not make when they grow up. It is amazing how your prospective changes when you are responsible for the lives of children. My girlfriend has an 11 year old girl, and a 3 year old boy. I have been around for over a year and a half, and my life has changed for the better. It has also lead me to remove people from my life, and how they responded has often confirmed the decision to no longer have them as a part of my life. My grandfather left my Granny after over 50 years of marriage. My Granny is the most amazing woman, and the most influential person in my life. She made sure I never took life to seriously, yet when things need done, roll up my sleeves  and work. She is a rock, and if I can be half as amazing as her, I will consider my life a success. When he left, I was not able to talk to him. When we went to visit my Granny, he showed up under cover of dark to try to trick people into seeing him. His whore (who is younger than my grandfather's youngest grandchild, and has a young child probably around 6) kept sending myself and one of the two kids cards. This was a constant reminder of his choice. I asked him to stop sending them, and he acted like he understood that I was over sensitive. In addition to his response that made me out to be in the wrong, the cards kept coming. I started just throwing them in the trash without giving them to the 10 year old. They never sent anything to the 3 year old. He could have listened to me, or he could have tried to contact me, make that connection again, but he did not think I was worth it. If I am not worth it to him, what would I teach the kids in associating with a man who leaves his wife after over 50 years, and does not respect anyone. This lack of respect is not what I want to teach the kids. I owe him money from a number of years ago. It was always understood that it was between him and I, that my Granny did not need to be involved. This was years ago. He sent a letter that my girlfriend opened that was an attack on my character. He called me a dead beat, and attacked my love and respect for my Granny in not paying him, because (poor him) he was having a hard time paying for him and his whore (I do want to note, although I hated the way that my grandfather would do things like hang up the picture from his whore's kid and throw his grandkid's picture in the trash in front of them, I feel bad for the kid, and he is in no way to blame), and my Granny, and I should send her the money. He has tried to make me out to be the bad guy because I didn't want to talk to him. Fuck him! This is not the kind of person I want to influence my kids. This is not the kind of person who I believe will be a positive influence on the future generations. In addition to this asshole, recently, one of our friends raped another friend. Another friend cheated on their husband and left them for their lover. This has lead to an dilemma, because their children are an important part of our lives. These two friends are also considered family, called "Aunt" or "Uncle". The raper is dead to me, and will not be an influence on the kids. They will not be left alone with them, they will not have any power over the kids, they do not have any place in my home, or in our lives. The fact that they do not realize what they did, proves that they should not be around. Rape is not just about physically forcing yourself on someone, psychologically getting getting someone to have sex with you, psychologically trying to have sex when it has been explicit about not wanting a physical relationship. Honestly, looking from the outside, they probably would have ended up together, but in forcing himself on her, by putting his hands down her pants when she was asleep, and had told him no physical, in a room with both of their kids, after he tried to have sex with her in a bathroom and turned down, he lost all respect. I don't get how people can be so selfish, how they can act in a way that makes them seem to not have a soul. I am not a perfect parent, I make mistakes, but I need to think about how I act, and who I choose to associate with. What I have always, why I want to teach, is to make the next generation better than the one before. If I can make one kid better than me, I believe that the world will be a better place. This is what I think the meaning of life is, I could be wrong, but it's what I believe. I know that change really takes time, sometimes generations, and as many issues as there are these days, I would like to think that things are as a whole getting better. People are better to understand others today than they were even 50 years ago.

As I'm writing this, a conversation with Erin had me look through pictures on the Facebook, and as bad as some people are, there are people that are amazing, and my heart is filled again. As much as I need to remove people who are not good influences, I need to remember that there are people I need to hold close, because they will help me help the children be the best people they can be, help make sure that the next generation is better than the one that came before. There are things that do not seem as good as in the past, the work ethic does not seem as strong, to many people believe that they "deserve" something, but maybe we can help raise the person or people that can find a way to take care of everyone, while still creating an environment where everyone is willing to help work to make the world better. The only way to do this is to work to come up with ideas ourselves. Surrounding my kids with people who are respectful, kind, and are living the way if which I hope the kids will turn out is the best I can do. It is true that I could be wrong in what I think, but I find it hard to believe that the chance that loving everyone, and making sure everyone is taken care of, while hoping that people are willing to work for what they have, and taking responsibility for their actions and work is the wrong direction to take.

When I think about my relationship with my father, I realize that my issues with him are not what I thought they were, and I hope I can show the little one that I want him to turn out better than me, without killing his self esteem. Finding a way to build him up, without making him think he is owed everything is going to be difficult. We will see, but I guess that is where I am right now...hopefully I won't do so bad, hopefully I will find a way to be a good role model for the kids, and help make the next generation better than my own.