Thoughts on Dear White People: Here's a List of Things We'd Wish You'd Stop Doing

I was wondering around the internet and came to this interesting article on The Root. It was a list of things that the author wished that white people would stop doing, and I figured as a white man, I would look respond to the items one at a time.

Let me preface this by saying that I realize that I am very ignorant of many things. I did not realize that dreads on white people was viewed as an appropriation of culture. I always saw it as an expression of counter culture. That being said, here are my responses to the list by Yesha Callahan and Danielle Young.

"1. Stop touching our hair. We've asked this about 1,000,001 times."
Shame on anyone touching someone else's hair. We are not 5, and I would hope we would be better than this.

"2. Stop talking like everything is a question. Likeeee, you know?"
I agree with this as well, but in the grand scheme of things, it's a cultural thing, and I should probably not make to many assumptions about people based on how they talk.

"3. Stop bringing your dogs to restaurants. We'd rather not look at your dog lick its privates while we're eating our lasagna."
Again, there is a time and place for your dogs. That being said, and I may be ignorant on this, I never associated this with being a "white" thing.

"4. Stop gentrifying "black" foods. You've had your fun with kale. Do not touch collard greens or sweet potatoes."
This is unfortunately what we do. Most Mexican and Chinese restaurants are not authentic. You could hope that this would help you with your #8 though.

"5. Stop labeling everything a damn trend just because you've never seen it done before. Like, cuts in the eyebrows and "hair tattoos.""
I think for this we need to have more qualifications when we talk. An increase in something among a group could be called a trend, but you need to mention what the group is. Working on a stereotype, you could argue that there was a trend among hipsters to have a beard. Beards have been around for as long as people, but there was an increase in beards among hipsters, and became associated with them. I think being more specific will help make a person's point.

"6. Stop thinking that Adele created soul music. Or Elvis. Or Justin Bieber. Or Jerry Lee Lewis. Or Justin Timberlake. Or Donny Osmond."
Also, Eminem and Beastie Boys did not invent hip hop. If you really like music, look to those who came before your favorite artists. You can enjoy whatever music you want, but try to know where it came from before you make ridiculous statements that your favorite artist was the first of their kind.

"7. Stop screaming "reverse racism." Go talk to Tim Wise, let him school you on that. Just an FYI: It doesn't exist."
We really need to work on how we talk about race relations. It's like the #alllivesmatter movement. Of course all lives matter, that doesn't need to be said. #blacklivesmatter is a movement, because, unfortunately, it does need to be said. It is not an anti-white movement. There are always people in any movement that will want to destroy those outside of the movement, the vast majority of what I have read and witnessed have just wanted to shine a light on injustice, and start a conversation. Denying that there is a problem, and the idea that people "do not see color" is hurting all of us. We need to acknowledge that there are cultural differences, and that these differences are a good thing. All this being said, I have ran into what people would term "reverse racism." There are situations where I have not been taken seriously, or things I said or did were taken out of context because I was white. I also know that this did not happen in a vacuum. I understand that so called "reverse racism" came from having to experience racism. Ideas like #blacklivesmatter, or even Dear White People: Here's a List of Things We'd Wish You'd Stop Doing, are not "reverse racism" they are opportunities to better understand each other.

"8. Stop not seasoning your food. Seriously, why go through life eating bland, gentrified food?"
Let me eat my bland food in peace. This one should not be hurting you.

"9. Stop wishing we'd go back to Africa. This writer's from New Jersey. The other, North Carolina. If you'd like to pay for my flight to Newark Airport via Dulles, then go right ahead."
I am really sorry that this has to be on this list. part of me wants to look up the articles, but I doubt I could get through any of the article without throwing my laptop out a window, which I cannot afford. Who the fuck would say something like that? Unless you are Native American, you are a descendant of immigrants. This makes me sick.

"10. Stop asking, "Where are you from?" And then look at us weird when we name one of the 50 states, and then ask, "No, where are you frommmm? Your family?" Seriously, what do you have against New Jersey?"
I hope this comes from ignorance, and not people being idiots. Ignorance can be fixed with education and discussion. If a person chooses to be ignorant, chooses not to listen to differing views, than they are an idiot, and that is a major problem in the world, and always has been the reason that our world has been slow to change for the better.

"11. Stop mispronouncing names or making fun of names you deem ghetto. At least we don't go around naming our kids "Dick" or "Rusty." How is that pronounced? Dihhh-Ick?"
I'm sorry, but I have trouble pronouncing names I am not familiar with. The more often I am around a name, the better I will be at pronouncing it. As a substitute teacher, I unfortunately mispronounce names all the time. I also have a hard time remembering names. This is not a racial thing, I can't remember any names, and there are times when people thought I was racist because I couldn't remember or pronounce a name. I understand that people purposely mispronounce names to belittle them, but please at least allow for the chance that I'm just bad with names, and have never tried to read your name before. I'm going to go on the assumption that this is about people purposely mispronouncing names, and this is a very different issue, and not something to be taken lightly. This is a way of demeaning someone, and should never be allowed to happen. If you want to find a raciest, find someone who mispronounces Barack Obama's name.

"12. Stop Columbusing the hood and then have the audacity to get mad because the black people who've lived there their whole lives look at you strange. That's the same look Native Americans gave Columbus and 'em."
I think that Columbusing should become a regularly used verb.

"13. Stop ignoring personal space. Seriously, do you take lessons in space invading? If you can read our text messages, you're too close."
As an introvert, I applaud this message.

"14. Stop saying you're not privileged. Clearly you haven't talked to Tim Wise yet, like we suggested in No. 7."
This is probably the most important message in the article. I have been passed up for jobs, gone hungry (eating just over 200 calories a day for three months), and faced other hardships, but it has never once been because of the fact that I was white. People can complain about affirmative action, but until opportunities are truly equal, there are going to be people who try to level the playing field, and that is a good thing.

"15. Stop thinking that everything belongs to you. This is not "your" country. This is everyone's country."
This goes for religion and sexual orientation and identity in addition to race.

"16. Stop thinking that Donald Trump will make "your" country great again. What he will make it is the laughingstock of the world."
Unfortunately he isn't the only raciest politician. It's his lack of subtlety, along with many other events happening lately, help shine a light on the racial tensions that we still have to work on.

"17. Stop thinking you don't have to use lotion. You get ashy, too, and we can see it." 
I guess I didn't realize this was a thing.

"18. Stop acting like you didn't see us in line first. Then doing No. 13."
I am really sad this happens, what is wrong with people that they think they can cut in front of anyone. It's even more pathetic if they do it because they are raciest.

"19. Stop blowing your nose at the dinner table. That's gross, and the rest of us just lost our appetites. But we guess since you do No. 3, we shouldn't expect anything less."
I'm sorry, I try to be subtle with it, but if I want to be able to sit down and eat with my family, and not have to leave the table every 5 minutes, or have snot on my face and food, I have to do this. I understand it is rude, and I will work on this.

"20. Stop getting mad when we celebrate blackness. Do you feel left out or nah? We don't hate you; we just love ourselves. #Blackityblakblakblakblak."
And don't pretend that having a white history month, or #alllivesmatter is celebrating whiteness, because, while black history month and #blacklivesmatter are not anti-white, white history month and #alllivesmatter are.

"21. Stop telling us about your one black friend. We're sure that he or she doesn't go around bragging about his or her one white friend."
It also doesn't prove you aren't raciest.

"22. Stop being racist, stop killing us and stop trolling black websites. Yes, we know it's been ingrained in your system for centuries. But believe us, it's not cute. We can spot y'all a mile away. It's 2016; you'd think by now you would have found another hobby."
Please. Having a deep and meaningful conversation is good, and will help us move forward together as a society, but don't be a troll. I really would expand it beyond "black websites" but as this article, (I assume), is meant to start a conversation about race, it makes sense.

All of these thoughts are my own, and come from my own, flawed and ignorant, but well meaning place. I am a white male in my mid 30's who has spent most of my life in school. This coming fall will be the first that I will not be in school as a student (I will hopefully be in a school as a teacher). I love to learn, and welcome any comments on my thoughts.

The Influence on the Future

It is sad to reflect on the people who I have decided to remove from my live. People who have been an important part of my life, will not influence the lives of the kids. About a year ago, my girlfriend and I decided to no longer associate with people who make decisions we hope the kids will not make when they grow up. It is amazing how your prospective changes when you are responsible for the lives of children. My girlfriend has an 11 year old girl, and a 3 year old boy. I have been around for over a year and a half, and my life has changed for the better. It has also lead me to remove people from my life, and how they responded has often confirmed the decision to no longer have them as a part of my life. My grandfather left my Granny after over 50 years of marriage. My Granny is the most amazing woman, and the most influential person in my life. She made sure I never took life to seriously, yet when things need done, roll up my sleeves  and work. She is a rock, and if I can be half as amazing as her, I will consider my life a success. When he left, I was not able to talk to him. When we went to visit my Granny, he showed up under cover of dark to try to trick people into seeing him. His whore (who is younger than my grandfather's youngest grandchild, and has a young child probably around 6) kept sending myself and one of the two kids cards. This was a constant reminder of his choice. I asked him to stop sending them, and he acted like he understood that I was over sensitive. In addition to his response that made me out to be in the wrong, the cards kept coming. I started just throwing them in the trash without giving them to the 10 year old. They never sent anything to the 3 year old. He could have listened to me, or he could have tried to contact me, make that connection again, but he did not think I was worth it. If I am not worth it to him, what would I teach the kids in associating with a man who leaves his wife after over 50 years, and does not respect anyone. This lack of respect is not what I want to teach the kids. I owe him money from a number of years ago. It was always understood that it was between him and I, that my Granny did not need to be involved. This was years ago. He sent a letter that my girlfriend opened that was an attack on my character. He called me a dead beat, and attacked my love and respect for my Granny in not paying him, because (poor him) he was having a hard time paying for him and his whore (I do want to note, although I hated the way that my grandfather would do things like hang up the picture from his whore's kid and throw his grandkid's picture in the trash in front of them, I feel bad for the kid, and he is in no way to blame), and my Granny, and I should send her the money. He has tried to make me out to be the bad guy because I didn't want to talk to him. Fuck him! This is not the kind of person I want to influence my kids. This is not the kind of person who I believe will be a positive influence on the future generations. In addition to this asshole, recently, one of our friends raped another friend. Another friend cheated on their husband and left them for their lover. This has lead to an dilemma, because their children are an important part of our lives. These two friends are also considered family, called "Aunt" or "Uncle". The raper is dead to me, and will not be an influence on the kids. They will not be left alone with them, they will not have any power over the kids, they do not have any place in my home, or in our lives. The fact that they do not realize what they did, proves that they should not be around. Rape is not just about physically forcing yourself on someone, psychologically getting getting someone to have sex with you, psychologically trying to have sex when it has been explicit about not wanting a physical relationship. Honestly, looking from the outside, they probably would have ended up together, but in forcing himself on her, by putting his hands down her pants when she was asleep, and had told him no physical, in a room with both of their kids, after he tried to have sex with her in a bathroom and turned down, he lost all respect. I don't get how people can be so selfish, how they can act in a way that makes them seem to not have a soul. I am not a perfect parent, I make mistakes, but I need to think about how I act, and who I choose to associate with. What I have always, why I want to teach, is to make the next generation better than the one before. If I can make one kid better than me, I believe that the world will be a better place. This is what I think the meaning of life is, I could be wrong, but it's what I believe. I know that change really takes time, sometimes generations, and as many issues as there are these days, I would like to think that things are as a whole getting better. People are better to understand others today than they were even 50 years ago.

As I'm writing this, a conversation with Erin had me look through pictures on the Facebook, and as bad as some people are, there are people that are amazing, and my heart is filled again. As much as I need to remove people who are not good influences, I need to remember that there are people I need to hold close, because they will help me help the children be the best people they can be, help make sure that the next generation is better than the one that came before. There are things that do not seem as good as in the past, the work ethic does not seem as strong, to many people believe that they "deserve" something, but maybe we can help raise the person or people that can find a way to take care of everyone, while still creating an environment where everyone is willing to help work to make the world better. The only way to do this is to work to come up with ideas ourselves. Surrounding my kids with people who are respectful, kind, and are living the way if which I hope the kids will turn out is the best I can do. It is true that I could be wrong in what I think, but I find it hard to believe that the chance that loving everyone, and making sure everyone is taken care of, while hoping that people are willing to work for what they have, and taking responsibility for their actions and work is the wrong direction to take.

When I think about my relationship with my father, I realize that my issues with him are not what I thought they were, and I hope I can show the little one that I want him to turn out better than me, without killing his self esteem. Finding a way to build him up, without making him think he is owed everything is going to be difficult. We will see, but I guess that is where I am right now...hopefully I won't do so bad, hopefully I will find a way to be a good role model for the kids, and help make the next generation better than my own.

My thoughts on #StopKony

Recently, there was an emotionally charged video that brought attention to the American people the atrocities commuted by Kony. At first there was a rush of support. People saw suffering and someone that wanted help in stopping it. Soon after, we learn a number of issues with the Invisible Children non-profit. They had poor ratings by many if not all of the major agencies that rate the transparency and accountability of non-profits. They actually spent very little of the money on the area where they had shown needed it. To some they felt that the video suggested that the people could not help themselves, and now the head of the group that posted the video was found naked in the streets claiming it was the stress from the backlash against the video. Before I continue on this, let me back up a bit. I read some of the critiques, as well as the responses, and, while it gave me pause to give them any money, I felt that some of the people being critical were a bit over zelous. Some, pointed out the flaws in the organization, while applauding the spirit behind it. Like me they took pause in giving to that organization, but they felt the cause was good (which I assume many people could agree on) and suggested other groups that are doing work in the area and lead people concerned with Invisible Children to places where they would feel more comfortable with. For others it was a personal attack, and the guy naked in the streets seemed to take it personally. Now, it is possible he was just a pervert, but his constant backlash against criticism did nothing to help his cause. Added to this, his actions make people who wanted to help his cause pause, to determine if the cause is worth being associated with a man who would run naked through the streets. While unfortunately this is the case, it is sad to see causes that can help make the world a better place associated with one cracked egg. I was thinking about much of this even before the guy's meltdown, how, even though his organization was shady, his cause was noble, and he did do what he set to do even if his group may not have reaped the rewards I'm sure he was hoping for. There are bad people in this world, and it would be much better if they did not have the power to hurt others, especially children. I hope people learn to be cautious about what people tell them, however I feel it is more important for people to not become so cynical that they no longer try to help others

the joys and sorrow of moving (in the future)

Two years ago I was alone. Most of my friends had moved away, and I was never really good at making friends myself. I usually got along with people, but never really made friends easily. I was liked in school and work, but outside of whatever activity I knew people from, that was the only time I would see these people. I didn't start dating until I was 25 and when that relationship ended I was lost. Looking back I can see that the relationship was not good for me, but at the time I was majorly depressed. One day I made myself leave the house. I went to the mall and just walked around. I didn't talk to anyone, but being out of the house was a good feeling. One day, someone tried to sell me something, some woman was selling manacure stuff. I knew that she was just trying to sell things, I had no thoughts that she actually liked me, but it was fun to be out and flirting. I started going to a bar where I knew some people and just started getting out there. One night the local derby league was at the bar. I had joined when I was dating my ex, but we stopped going because basically, she was to lazy to commit to anything like that. So I thought it would be a good idea to so something, and here was something for me. So I got involved, and was attending all of their events, and I was enjoying the social atmosphere. During my time with them, I made a few amazing friends. I have been planning on going to grad school for a while now, and I knew I would be moving. Now, here I am, making friends and I am leaving in a few months. A few weeks ago, I ran into a friend from high-school. We were friends on Facebook, but really hadn't hung out. She was with a friend and we had a great time. The other night I hung out with them and got a hold of another friend of mine (the two that I went to high-school with didn't really know each other), and it seems like I'm still making friends. There was even talk about dating one of my new friends if I wasn't moving. And this is an example of the mix of emotions I'm feeling. I'm still making friends and having fun, but I will be leaving all of these relationships soon. I will keep in contact with a few of course, but I won't be able to hang out. My door will be open to anyone that ends up in my new neighbourhood, but it's a 6 hour trip, so it isn't something you can stop by for tea. I'm loving the time to catch up with old friends, and make new friends. I'm torn, I want to move and start my new life, make new friends, create new habits, and find new hang-outs. On the other hand, I will greatly miss the people and places that have made me who I am. I am a lot more confident than I was a year ago, two years ago. People I knew from the past may or not notice the difference, I'm not sure if it is noticeable, but to me, I am a whole new person. Maybe not a new person, I still have the same core, and my closest friends from the past may have seen it in me, I don't know. The big difference is that I'm muchier than I was before (to steal a phrase from Alice in Wonderland because I can't think of a better way to describe it right now). I have more confidence in myself, and people I meet seem to react differently to me now. The better reactions have slowly raised my self-confidopence, and that has improved my relationships, which has made me feel more comfortable in my own skin. I still have moments when I feel invisible again, but I now have more ways of dealing with it, more experiences that prove it more false than true, and I'm sure I will survive when I move. A few years ago, when I thought about moving to a place I wouldn't know anyone, I had a panic attack, I didn't think I would ever be able to do it. Now, I know I can, but I wish I could take some of my wonderful friends with me. From a cost analysis perspective, these friendships could be seen as "experience" or "practice" and an emotionally detached view I can see the value in this. But I wish this was the place for me, the place I would be staying for the foreseeable future. I'm sure I will meet amazing people when I move, but I will deeply miss my friends. I will visit as often as I can, but if I am honest with myself, I would have to think that those will become less and less frequent. I'm sure some friendships will fade with distance, and some will survive, but everyone that I have interested with, no how short a time it may have been, has shaped who I am, and pushed me closer to who I want to be. I have been very lucky to avoid toxic relationships for the most part and know I am a better person now than I ever have been. The move will be bitter sweet, but I finally feel I'm ready.

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Celebrating the death of a man?

Sunday night, as I was getting ready to go to sleep, I heard the news that Osama bin Laden had been killed. A part of me was happy to hear that. As I read my twitter feed, I laughed at many of the jokes that if they were about someone else I would have been disgusted. I saw quotes (some of them falsely attributed) saying some people wouldn't wish someone dead, but enjoyed reading the obituary, and others saying that they would not celebrate the death of any person no matter how evil they were. I have seen things that were over the top, but for many I can not fault them for their initial reaction of elation. To many, it was like a burden was lifted off of their shoulders. As I hoped, the elation died down within 24 hours. Now the people that are still going crazy, still celebrating the death of bin Laden are going a bit over board. But, is anyone really celebrating the death of a man? After September 11th, Osama bin Laden became the face of terror. He was what we associated with the killing of civilians to prove a point. While our country is not innocent, I can understand how people may react in ways that they may find repulsive if in any other situation. When I was a kid, and I was in a lot of trouble, I would laugh. I didn't think it was funny, I was terrified. I also knew that if I wasn't able to control it, the situation would become a lot worse. I couldn't control myself though. We react in weird ways when we are stressed. Memories of where we were and how we felt that day almost 10 years ago returned. Thoughts of those who's lives were lost in the fight (weather we agreed with the cause or not), the loss of many of our freedoms (which is an issue that should be remedied weather bin Laden was alive or dead), how our whole world changed (and not always for the better). All of these emotions were associated with this person. He became more than a man, he became a symbol. As soon as we're reminded of everything, we are told that this man, who was responsible for much more death than just the September 11th attacks, was gone. I can understand how people reacted in ways that were so extreme. I respect those that were able to take a step back right away and realize that he was only a man, and that his death will not change much of anything. People that were also able to understand how they felt when they saw celebrations of people after the September 11th attacks (although, I don't think these should be compared. They were celebrating an attack of civilians, the bin Laden celebration was a murderer), and didn't want the world to see us in the same light. Now that I think of it, it is a lot like a murder trial. Sunday was like the guilty verdict after a very long trial. Do we question when we see a family that lost a loved one cries and hugs each other in celebration when they believe justice has been served? In general, I do not believe in the death penalty. I would always worry about putting an innocent person to death. There is also an opportunity for those who are guilty to reform. I'm an optimist for the most part. I give people I meet the benefit of the doubt (even though it has burned me at times). But, I also know that there are things people will not give up, things that will never change about a person. I believe that most people are good, well meaning people, but I also know that there are people that are evil. He has admired, and even taken pride in killing innocent people. Hopefully terrorism is becoming a thing of the past. This won't change because of bin Laden's death, but because people all over the world are starting to stand up for what they believe in. (I wish we did more of that here, but that's for another rant). I guess what I'm saying is a part of me feels bad for enjoying the death of a man, but I also understand why I feel this way. I am sorry for feeling happy about death, but I probably won't loose sleep :S

Loyalty

It seems to me that loyalty means very little, especially in the corporate world. You continue with one company, even at times when the alternative may be cheaper, because you think you know what to expect. You have had good service, and have felt that the little extra every month was worth it because they were such a good place to do business with. That is until something goes wrong for you. You have a little bad luck and they are no longer willing to work with you.

The first experience I had with this was years ago with Capital One. They stopped sending me bills, and then took me to court because I wasn't paying them. I called them to try and work with them, and they said (in a very polite way of course) "Go fuck yourself, we won't work with you". I could have paid them off a few times now, and I'm screwing my credit, but they will not get one penny willingly.

Then Qdoba fires me after over five and a half years on a technicality. My phone was shut off (because they didn't pay enough for me to pay my bills, but that's a whole other story) so I was unable to call in when I was sick. I jumped on the neighbor's wi-fi and messaged the assistant manager online. After I saw she responded I passed out, barely able to make it to my computer to message her in the first place. I got a no-call no-show because I didn't call the manager on shift. Wow, really? I missed 1 day before that in my five and a half years of working for them. I was making very little (less even than some of the people I was supposed to be managing). I even worked 7 days a week this last summer, just to try and help them out. None of this mattered. The new general manager didn't like me. He was incompetent, kept cross contaminating the food, had horrible people skills, and was lazy. He got the lowest two corporate evaluations in the store's history and never had a word said to him. He has his position covered because he has been friends with the regional manager for over 20 years. They blamed it on the assistant manager (who was the GM until they pushed her out of that job too). They will keep shielding him I'm sure. I got wrote up because a few tables weren't wiped down when the regional manager came in, and I got sick and I get fired. He gets constant customer complaints, horrible store evaluations, and treats the employees like shit and he's got job security.

Now Verizon. I've been with them for about four and a half years. I recently lost my job at Qdoba, and I'm in the process of finding a new one. In order to find a new job I need a phone. Guess what Verizon just did...I owe them some money, but I fully intend to pay it. I called them up to see if there would be any way to get a little more time with my phone so I could get calls from prospective employers. They basically said (in a very polite way), "sucks to be you. The only thing we'll do is take a post dated check for seven days from now". Really?!? If I just said I had no job, how the fuck do you expect me to post date a check for seven days from now?

Hell, even Comcast, when I called them to say we could no longer afford to pay so much for TV and I was canceling, they said "You can't dump us, we're dumping you" (in a not so polite or mature way). I've been dumped by some pretty immature women, but that was pathetic.

Even in roller derby. A few weeks ago, I was accused of being a "home town ref" (in a very immature and almost aggressive way) by a team I had an enormous amount of respect for, and had helped so many times over this last summer!

The one thing I am, is loyal. At times even to a fault. I have stood by people I thought cared, and been burned for it. I have missed opportunities because I was unwilling to turn my back on someone, even if I had no way of knowing if they would do the same (a few times, they were constantly turning their backs on me). I know other people play by different rules, and even with as many times as I've been burned I will continue to be loyal. But, I never forget, and rarely forgive. Once the bridge is burned, it can not be built. And I am not quiet, I will let everyone know when and why that trust was broken. Corporations, believe that it will not hurt them to be an ass to the little guy, but I feel it's my duty to warn others of their bad practices.

My friends and family know how and why I got fired, as do some of my regulars that added me as a friend on facebook because they thought I was nice and good at my job. Qdoba has and will continue to loose business because of how they treated me. I know a lot of people that will not go somewhere if they know that their employees are not treated with respect. Verizon will also loose customers because of how they treated me. It looks like the only way to get loyalty is to teach companies that they can't get away with being a duche.

desert island

RT @DeStorm: if you were stranded on an island and only can take 5 items and invite 2 people, what would you take and who would you bring?

Well, the people would be BB and Katie. The items...is there electricity and cell service? If so, my phone, my DS, a book (10 games to take to space or something like that. It's a book with 10 games that only use colored tokens (checkers was one for example)), a knife and a towel. If there is power but no cell service, switch my phone for my laptop. If there is no power, the phone and DS are out. I would add a deck of cards and my Dora flashlight (it's one that doesn't take batteries, avon used to sell them)

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